harsh in kinesphere

Feeling deeply exploited after watching the promos of Love Story 2050 with its cheesy music and cheesier choreography, I had a dream where, believe it or not, I traveled into the future. These are some of the things that I observed.

- Bobby darling is very popular /*that explains Priyanka Chopra’s hairdo!*/

- Genetic manipulation is legally allowed and widely practiced /*that explains why Harman Baweja looks like a cross between Hritik Roshan and Emraan Hashmi*/

- Half of the world’s been invaded by America for oil reserves, even Alaska wasn’t spared!

- With the ongoing oil crisis, the US army’s Hummers have been abandoned for mountain terrain bikes- with gears!

- GM, Chevrolet and Ford have abandoned automobile manufacturing and are making profits by using their SUVs as landfills.

- The HRD ministry implemented 97% quota for all admissions, more reservations will be introduced.

- Bangalore royal challengers suck! /*its been 42 years now*/

- SRK admits to being bi /* he’s half-way out of the closet */

- California legalized man and machine marriages/unions

- Madonna launched her 38th album titled ‘Undead’ /*can’t figure out why??! */

- Rakhi Sawant got rejected for remake of teletubbies, 6 TIMES!

- Mahesh Bhatt mass produces remakes OF HIS FILMS.

- Mumbai University still screws up futures.

- Yash Raj banner have finally stopped making films starring Uday Chopra.

- Ellen Degeneres stopped giving gifts; now she throws money at your face.

- Aishwarya Rai is as mesmerizing as she was 50 years ago.

There are times when you feel that you are invincible, strong, confident /*other flowery adjectives can also be inserted to describe the way you feel */ but then the guy upstairs makes his point by showing how fundamentally wrong you really are.

I had a similar experience recently which left me more embarrassed than a lesbian in a chip-n-dale club. I was on my way home listening to Flyleaf, Disturbed et al, content in my world that comprised of a seat, an almost empty bus, followed the overworked conductor occasionally asking/ saying/muttering ‘Ticket bola ticket’. Then this lady boarded the bus and sat on the seat ahead of me, the baby in her arms was quiet restless so she had him over her shoulder such that he was facing me. I just happened to notice someone staring at me and there was, the finger sucker blankly looking at me.

That’s when my crazy/weird/insecure alter ego came back to life from the undead. Let me tell you about this ‘Chad’ guy, as I like to call him, he's no good with babies. According to Chad babies are the cutest, but they are god’s answer to make grown ups do silly things /*coz I remember a very serious uncle meowing to his some month old grand daughter just to make her giggle as she kept looking at him in amazement thinking ‘WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY GRANDPA YOU FREAK!’ */ .He also thinks babies are complicated mainly because you don’t know what they are thinking, thats what makes them so unpredictable. Like when he was reading a story to his niece, when after 10 minutes he realized that he was the only one who found it interesting as she had already crawled and gone to her ‘dada’. For him people who can baby-talk are tougher than Dharmendrapaji catching bullets. Playing with babies is a lot like giving excuses for forgetting you girlfriend’s birthday, EVERYTIME you have to come-up with something new else you are a gonner.

Coming back to the ‘incident’ Chad gone bonkers and had already tried jumping out of the moving bus’s window. The bus stopped at the signal, he tried his best not to make eye-contact as he pretended to be engrossed in looking out the window thinking of the million places he could have been at. ‘Please! I’ve had enough, make the lady and her attention seeking baby go! I’ll never pick my nose in public again, I promise’ he mumbled as the bus groaned into motion. And to his astonishment, the lady stood up and made her way to the exit. Life was good again!!! I could feel Chad returning to the realms of my subconscious. Everything’s normal, for now.

What’s with this brouhaha regarding sex education? Sure there are many nutcases including many of the political leaders who believe that sex is ‘natural, something we come to know automatically.And animals don’t get sex education so why should we??’ /*like the hand of god will guide us all!!!!!!*/ WTF!!! Animals don’t have a complex social structure, misguiding media and to top it all- RAGING HARMONES =tons of possibilities to get in trouble!!! So what the hell are these people talking about???

For them HIV/AIDS, sex education, obscenity, remix videos, IPL cheerleaders gets mapped so a single cerebral lobe Some even believe that it will encourage teenagers to indulge in ‘it’, but sex education is primarily focused on answering ‘what’s what ‘and ‘what’s happening with you all’ kind of questions, it informs them of the additional responsibilities and consequences.

The anti-sex education camp also thinks that talks about birds and bees should be left to the members of the family, Ok! But most of the times the actual Norman cloture of the anatomy will be substituted by ‘that’, ‘it’ etc /*shivers down my spine*/ I can imagine the look they’ll have on their faces- even digging your nose and sticking the bogger back in will be less embarrassing.

The generation is different, they are more curious, more confused. If they hear,” Hum tum ek kamre mein bandh ho…”, they’ll probably ask ,”Usse kya hoga??”.

With the advent of the internet, few clicks are enough for Jenna Jameson to showcase her talents. Sex education is the need of the day, teenagers have a right to know what’s happening with their bodies and about PMS aka the mad cow disease. It’s the time they are becoming adults, atleast physiologically.

Let’s make a list of pros and cons of implementing sex education in schools

Pros:-

- Focus on personal hygiene.

- Better sexual health.

- More knowledge and a clearer outlook.

- Lesser amount of stress.

Cons

- Talking about ‘it’.

Sex Education needs to be inducted in the current syllabus considering it will be the only subject most closely connected with the real world!

So I call all the moral police /*which r many*/ like the BJP, Shratrughan Sinha/*who’s not jealous of Amitabh Bachchanan btw-hahahahahaa*/, the Bajrang Dal/*don’t have any idea regarding what other activism they indulge in*/ and dearest Mrs. Pratibha Naitthani/*who should keep herself more busy for everybody's sake*/ and all other puritans to start googling for inhibited places so they can form a new world order /*and bring back the dark ages*/. Sometimes we start believing that this world is perfect, but thanks to people mentioned above, we know we are wrong.

At a first glance he’s just a normal individual- simply boring. But he is just like everyone else, only less weird probably coz no one snorts as loud as him while laughing. He is on his way home, heading to the bus stop at Borivali station and suddenly he is caught unawares by this guy who’s selling what looks like an electric racquet.

Being abnormally patient he is, he listening to what the hawker has to say and show but in his mind he has already bought the contraption. He clutches it as he is thinking about the cheapest source of entertainment he’s bought himself, he just can’t help but smile while the overcrowded bus strains itself as it makes its way along its route.

Weeks have gone by. And almost everyone can hear the zapping from flat no.302. This is the place where the humble, docile looking guy is transformed into a monster by medieval standards. His alter ego takes over the moment he sees a mosquito, going for the electric swatter like a rajput going for his sword. Don’t know why but he feels happy when he sees the mosquitoes being burnt alive, 2000V being delivered through their bodies.

He’s definitely lost himself to the dark side; he can’t help the compulsion to ‘patrol’ his house in search of new prey……….

………..And somewhere far far away a conspiracy theorist is going through his work. He never trusted the government, ‘these swatters are illegal ‘he says to himself, as he reads a report about people becoming sadists after their obsession to see insects being zapped by the swatters took a whole new meaning.

Animal rights? ……eh??

India with its ever growing billions is probably the last place on earth for animal rights activism coz traveling in a local train is a possible human rights violation by global standards. But thanks to honorable Mrs. Maneka Gandhi, who opposes any government’s decision for dealing with stray dogs is what Peta and Animal rights has been reduced to.

When anyone is asked if they love animals, majority of the times “yes I love animals and I make it a point to feed strays whenever I can” is the reply. Enter 21^st century India, with its ‘instant’ lifestyle where an Instant good deed is the newest fad. They are practically everywhere, one stays in my building and generously gathers about 15 strays from the locality and feeds them every single day ( one may wonder why he is still single, now that’s a tough one)

Its just one of those days when u can think of million places where you can be, that day of the week, which in the history of most boring days is at the top of the list(as yet). The entire space surrounding you is supersaturated with boredom. The entire batch is dead ( atleast they wish they were) resembling the zombies from resident evil movies, even the teacher’s pets who appeared to be interested have thrown in the towel and stopped asking stupid questions.

There is an eerie silence in the room (except for the humming of the air conditioners who make it the best place to catch the zzzs) , which normally any professors would long for, broken by the professors occasional infuriating comment like, “It doesn’t require this much time” and everybody in the lab divert their blank gazes away from the computer screens, looking at the son of Satan (S.O.S) for the blasphemy. As even the he knows that nothing worthwhile can be acquired from the bunch at this time of the day. At his table he is secretly looking at the watch himself, wishing the hands could turn a bit faster. Its days like these that make him regret his decision of taking up lecturing as a profession.

Not knowing what to do and not having any interest to do anything brings us to this situation. Top it up with the professor who is delivering nothing but lullabies, despite of his apparent attempts to do his best. Forget talking during the practicals, even looking at your friends computer screen unleashes the wrath of the S.O.S accompanied with taunts like- “how did u ever get in BE?? This was already done in the lower semesters” and you just sit there, so desperate that you will even try jumping out of the lab window just to get the hell out. You are mindlessly exploring the network, not because you are searching something, but you can’t bear to do what he says anymore. You come across a folder titled ‘flash’, opening it is just a reflex. Suddenly you are happy.. You must be smiling; an entire folder of flash games seems like a sign. The guy upstairs is watching and can’t bear to see you like this. Time just flies away.

The bell rings, the entire batch has been given the kiss of life, its over.

Everyone is rushing for their bags. Wanting to escape from the torture chamber, everybody is in a hurry. Just as everyone is making their way out, he calmly says “we will continue next time” , there is nothing you can do, you just remember the computer you were at.

Yes, we all know that orkut is probably the biggest thing that happened to youngsters in India since… I don’t know….. porn!!!! But this craze has given rise to peculiar problem of its own. I don’t know why people are sooo excited and enthusiastic about adorning their profiles with freaky one liners like ‘U may rock, but I always rule!’ and ‘Friendship is my life’ (aaargh) may be it’s the realization of being totally inhibited and getting away with it.. what’s more annoying is that these people have a separate grammar and spellings, customized to suit their needs.

I genuinely have to sit back and think for a minute or two when some guy writes ‘Yo maan ,… wazzap??’, apart from the confusion of why that person is reenacting the newest Mortein commercial online and ‘is this the same guy I know from somewhere’ I try to be as normal as possible while replying to such scraps while the part of me is screaming to just cut the crap out!!!! What’s even more surprising is that the same guy would probably say “ I am a Cancerian’ when asked if he was a virgin.

The internet is like that, it is an arena for not being inhibited and showing off how ‘cool’ u really are, it’s a place where people brag about themselves or try to be the next Soparrkar . but the least those guys can do not listen to the voices in their head while typing and have mercy.