harsh in kinesphere

Days after the massacre, the will Taj and be transformed into virtual fortress, unlike the majority, the rich aren’t dispensable.
Let’s have a simple comparison-The police vs. the terrorist.
Become a terrorist and you’ll be respected; your family will be given financial aid and even your government will stand by you /* when no one’s looking off course!*/and that’s tempting even on this side of the border. Being a cop was tough –working through endless shifts, dealing with every type of screw-up in society and using equipment that’s not cutting edge even in the dark ages. But it just got tougher. The Deputy CM just got sacked, so no more dance bar raids- the only perk they had.
The incident gave rise to a pubic opinion tsunami that’d wipe-out the politicos who stood in its way. Though many are spared as they went under and surfaced only when it just passed, others like the Antulay guy are riding the wave for public attention.
What now??
The candles have been lit, everyone is done with their share of pledges, almost half a million people gathered at the gateway of India to express their disgust against the system. I didn’t go; personally I think that few pissed off commoners with AK-47s have a better chance of changing the system. But hey that’s wishful thinking. Living in Mumbai was never easy, but now you need a death wish if you continue with your existence here.
And this is our happy ending.

Being a fresher is tough, many are thinking “he may have the aptitude, but why did they hire a guy?? They could’ve hired a stunner, that’d be more exciting!”

Couple of days go by doing absolutely nothing, just “observing”/* translation- watching other people work for a while-> getting bored-> singling out anyone and counting how many times that person leaves the cubicle*/. The exciting days pass and the BIG DAY finally arrives.
Apparently no one says “get him a computer” instead they say, “allocate machines to the new resource” /*Ya, I know that’s a turn-on! */.

Its THE day I get my PC. It arrives and suddenly the cubicle starts looking a lot smaller. Since the computer isn't configured,I am not allowed to touch anything.After much hoopla the guy (let’s call him IT guy1- for obvious reasons) arrives to set up my ‘machine’, but I guess copying names written in block letters off a paper posted on the soft board isn’t his specialty. Apparently he has a knack for misspelling people’s names. These guys are weird, don’t know if they are tagged or not, but they are definitely IT. The IT guy1 was at it for almost ninety minutes; then called his colleague over to help him out, but the colleague brought 3 other guys with him as he was ‘off for lunch’. They made a huddle as they discussed the possible problems

IT guy1- don’t know what’s happening over here

Me( sitting besides him)- ????!!!!!!

IT guy1- actually I don’t have the access rights yet, I joined last week

ITguy2- why didn’t you say so? I was making access profiles just before the lunch break.

They discussed/argued/commented but like almost all meetings, they decided lunch was much more important. This experience taught me that-

‘The competence of the IT guy can be gauged by the force with which he presses the ‘Enter’ key’.

So, the other day my computer refused to accept my password, I knew I was a goner when the IT guy bashed the keyboard. They are they black sheep in the power tie, sharp suit and branded shirt crowd, like even if the power is disconnected, it’s an IT dept problem and a reason to curse the minions of networking. And 'they' are NEVER your friends.

That’s corporate life, Eh?

Experiences maketh the man.. ohh wait, that’s ‘clothes maketh the man’, clearly I have unaddressed issues.

But recently I had an experience that makes a man.

I met the devil’s real world identity- the dentist.

There’s an ongoing war between the almighty and Satan. So when Satan created the dentist, god created the anesthetic but then Satan created injections got the lead.

I am not a needle friendly person; I get panicky whenever there’s a syringe in the same room as I am. And the dentist was getting a kick out of all this, I’m pretty sure I caught him smiling when he saw my expression as he wielded that syringe. I knew I had a chance to escape as the door was unlocked but I was frozen in fear. As he was in his act, the calm expression gave no indication of his barbarous intention; he managed to keep his cool when I was a step closer to cry like a little girl.

I lay in the chair and I realized how bad I had been when looking into the bright light became difficult. Maybe that’s why I was in the chair. Take the position in the chair and you’re a sitting duck. You allow some guy to put pointy things in your mouth. At that point you’d even give your soul if he’d just ask. That’s why I’d be logical to send criminals to the clinic instead of the lock-up /*now that’s an idea!*/.

The doc has concluded that the acidic nature of my saliva is to be blamed /*what??*/.

What do they do if they have some dental problems??I’ll try to make him laugh or shout so that I can get a good look at his teeth. And what do you do when your girlfriend is also your dentist; nobody would want to say no to her!

I know that it’s been a long time since I posted something but no one's reading this anyways!

So the aussies are coming here for a cricket tournament and this implies that cricket won’t be the only thing that we’ll be talking about for the many months to come.

Is it just me or has cricket has stopped being cricket? What I mean to say is that the sledging, link-ups and publicity stunts associated with cricket get more attention than the actual game.

No one cares about the game now; everybody is more interested in all the action off the field. And there’s plenty of it- Deepika’s with Dhoni then with Yuvraj and ultimately with Ranbir /*don’t remember him?? He’s the superstar of the century who’s acted in 2 films- a flop and a below average flick, who ‘happens’ to be a kapoor */, Sreesanth gets slapped by Harbhajan, Harbhajan calls Symmonds ‘monkey’ when he actually wanted to say ‘maa ki’. Believe it or not, all this is in the name of cricket. The phenomenon isn’t restricted to the sports section anymore, EVERYONE associated with cricket gets featured on some random article when they not launching a product or participating/ judging reality shows. Many people cried foul when Sachin Tendulkar advertised for everything from toothpaste to credit cards, but now no one seems to notice the current trend where even a one time wonder advertises about the newest insurance policy ironically tag lined –‘inspiring trust’. with over to almost all the pages of a newspaper daily. And what’s with this Twenty-20 circus??

I am not one of those obsessed crackpots who don’t have their meal if India loses or uncontrollably start swearing if their favorite player screws up, but hey cricket deserves a lot more respect.

Once upon a time, there lived a little boy in a Mumbai suburb. Contrary to the misconception, this boy was special. He could remember minute details from school and the most trivial promises that his parents broke at bed time. So one night, it was around 10.30pm, way past his bed time.

“Our craft teacher has told us to make a Greeting card tomorrow” he said.

His mother thought he was talking in his sleep, that’s what she wanted to believe. But she knew her son too well; this had happened so many times that now she’d stopped freaking-out. She looked towards her husband who was hiding his head under the blanket by now.

The mother son duo headed to the hall, she fetched everything she needed for this undertaking from a shelf that resembled a mini stationery shop.

“So what kind of greeting card is it?” she asked the boy who was sleepier than before.

“Our teacher said something about Indian integration” he murmured.

“Fine, I’ll come up with something, go to sleep. I’ll be there in a while” she said as her brain went in overdrive.

I’m not totally against craft, infact I love origami they taught us during that class. I love drawing a pond with little fish that my paper crane will eat for food, but telling a 10 year old to make a collage with newspapers is being a little kooky. Most of the craft periods in my school would have competitions like ‘Rakhi making’, ‘greeting card making’ and we’d also make different type of boxes. On one such ‘rakhi making competition’ one of my friends thought that it would be very cool if he used an Éclair /*chocolate*/ as his rakhi centerpiece. The competition results were declared and the rakhis were returned, that friend of mine was surprised to find centerpiece on his rakhi missing. “competition ka jaane de re, par chocolate kyo liya?” were his exact words.

Craft teachers go over the top and come up with innovative reasons for parents to curse them, from collage to pop sickle stick houses; no one can guess what they’ll ask for, and all such projects come bundled with the misleading line ‘Use ordinary household waste’ /*hey I didn’t know we had 100 something plastic spoons or a bag full of pencil shavings just lying around*/. I remember a Work Experience project when we had to use grains and pulses as colors. As I didn’t want to bother my parents, I generously sprinkled tur daal and chaaval I found by myself but to my mother’s horror I had knocked Dal tadka and Kashmiri Pulav off the menu /* in my defense, like a true artist I used the best I materials could find*/.

Mother hasn’t been supportive of my projects ever since.

According to Educationalists, Craft and Work Experience are meant for the overall development of the pupil as he/she has the opportunity to think creatively beyond the curriculum and observe the world we live in, but I’m sure parents have a slightly different opinion. How does the administration come up with such stuff?? For instance, my niece had to make a rainy season wear thing on chart paper. I was making rubber cutting that somewhat resembled gum-boots and my Sis-in-law was drawing clouds on crepe paper, all the while my niece jumped around singing “Ringa rainga roses, pocket full of…..” . Indeed that was a big learning experience for her/*insert sarcasm here*/.

Many people make a fortune by displaying their craft project rejects as ‘art’ and the subject is meant to improve hand eye coordination and I feel that it should be primarily be focused on class work rather than making the parents go through the ordeal. But by the time that happens, go nuts!

Love thy donkey work

“They expect us to become engineers through clerical work”.

-An ideal engineer

/*who happens to be my friend*/

Just like a good movie that has a climax at the end, each semester has the dreaded submissions /*No, it’s not kinky, it’s brutal*/, and just like the climax, submissions decide your fate for the semester. Collectively a month of each year is spent writing innumerable assignments, photocopying notes and question papers, memorizing the trivialities encountered during the practicals –all in the name of submissions. Oral exams are added like the cherry on top of a sundae /*to give it ‘the’ effect*/. All this gets translated to term work /* its professor’s assessment of the student’s performance throughout the semester, marks are given out of 25 for each subject +25 marks for orals*/.

The concept of term work and orals is mainly based on karma, and the professors love playing god. You don’t want to catch their eye, you don’t want to stand out of the crowd, you’ll make a point not to wear T-shirts that have one liners or anything that resemble alphabets that the professors just love to read.

They are Santas for the day, so when they ask,” How have you been this semester?” your poker face only succeeds in making them go ”Ho ho ho ho” with laughter.

Teacher’s pets enjoy immunity at this time of the year. During the oral exams for a subject say, Computer organization and Architecture they’ll be asked idiotic questions like “what does ‘PC’ stand for?” while the notorious ones are bombarded with questions viz,” what does ‘Pentium’ mean?, Describe the Unix architecture or Please explain Booting of the computer”. Open your mouth to answer and get jabbed with comments like,” Did you expect standard questions during Orals?” ……and you are one step closer to a nervous breakdown, in front the professors.

Those who can’t do, teach. Not these guys, they want to teach. They give 15 to 20 page assignments even when they know that the result will only be 60 /*that’s the class strength*/ identical copies of the assignment. The assignments are duplicated to such an extent that leaving the variations in ink color and handwriting, any word will be found on the same page, on the same line and on the same place in any of the 60 assignments. Made to scribble that doesn’t remotely contain anything that you’ll be studying for the actual exam. The hand keeps writing till the wee hours of the night, rewriting things that have been heard throughout the semester, without knowing, without caring, without living. As the days pass, the files keep getting fatter and heavier, but as Miley Cyrus put it-This is the life! The files get submitted and it’s the face value that counts.

/*ehem! */As the rumor goes, the assignments /*or the answer papers for that matter*/ aren’t read, they are skimmed at roll-your-eyeball speeds, so if you manage to write lyrics of your favorite song and add some relevant terms in between, it may even be considered as a model answer paper!

If you can’t beat em, join em, thereby everything gets decorated with clean legible handwriting, neat borders and diagrams. It’s for your own good and that’s the only reason to comply.

Look around you, each individual carries a gaping void within yet can rejoice when our cricket team wins against Bangladesh/Kenya/U.A.E. Everybody is a center of their own universe and yet a death counts don’t matter. Things of utmost importance to the students hardly matter for the ones in charge.

Hindi songs being quoted during the parliament sessions, full time politicians aspiring to be stand up comedians, part time ‘actors’ /*I am guilty of labeling the GREAT Govinda */ being part time politicians and pseudo intellectual Bollywood directors giving their opinions on every damn thing. Crores being spent for protection of a convicted terrorist, but its not enough.

Apparently a medical student rightfully protesting against reservations is intolerable while minorities setting cars and buses ablaze for reservation is righteous. Thanks to some demented people saying “she’s a bomb” isn’t an expression anymore, it’s a possibility.

It’s just a matter of days when a bomb gets reported and the siren blaring police vehicles scat in the opposite direction. This isn’t a dance of democracy, it’s a striptease.

Muhahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! Thank you yahoo messenger for teaching me this expression, as I don’t care anymore.

Spoiler- this is not a movie review, I just thought that this was the best way of confessing something and not letting anyone know.

Yes I admit that I get scared watching horror movies/serials, but only if they are outstanding. But that wasn’t the case some years back when I’d be petrified even after watching ‘Aahat’. Nothing of that sort could prepare me for the real thing.

It’s been almost 4 /*read terrifying*/ years since I watched ‘the Ring’ /*the Japanese and the English version*/ and the movie still manages to bring chills down my spine. The timing couldn’t be more wrong, though I watched the flick in the afternoon, a couple of days later my parents went out of station. Nights had never been so scary. To top it all, I tried sleeping in front of the television. In case you haven’t seen the movie, Samara (the ghost) crawls out of the television set. I practically tried to claw my way out the theater as couple of my friends pulled me by my legs to watch its dreaded sequel . Also when ‘the Grudge’ was touted as being scarier than the ring itself, I convinced myself that I’d watch it even if that meant weeks of sleepless nights. But, to my relief, people who’d die after watching the movie would be scarier and the sequel was a laugh riot, without a script, chills and amateur Fx. Another movie that seemed scary sans the spirits/ ghosts/supernatural was ‘The happening’ but watching people commit suicide tends to get boring. ‘Exorcism of Emily Rose’ is a good one too; it was so good that it has kept me from watching ‘The Exorcist’.

I don’t have any hard feelings towards Ramsay and co. but their version of ghosts has always made me……lol! Maybe because their face resembles dip covered chips/* Ummmm... drool goes here*/. I believe there hasn’t been a good horror-thriller movie post ‘Bhoot’, that’s because no one has made a documentary on current affairs or parliamentary proceedings yet. Now that’ll be a sure shot winner.

There are numerous reasons as to why people smoke or start to smoke, it ranges from- ‘everybody else was doing it’, ‘its cool’, ‘wanted to try new things in life /* why not castration or bungee jumping then??*/ ’, some victimized answers like ‘I was very sad after she left me’, ‘there was no other option’, my personal favorite ‘I didn’t have a habit of sitting in one place for long periods of time, so how can a person deal with stress?’/* sigh!, tears in my eyes, I could wail at your sad puppy story!*/ and there are even some vague answers like ‘just like that’, or some reverse psychology answers ‘why do you eat?’ /*except that from eating, you don’t risk KILLING someone or yourself*/.

Fine I don’t have a problem with human chimneys, but actually I do. I am the guy walking you’ll when you are indulging yourself. Do know that you STINK after you go and relive yourself; it gives people 1 more reason to hate you. The only fag-gang member that drew amazement was a 30 something lady /* a woman empowered specimen*/ who held a cigarette between her lips and signaled her colleague to light it as both of them exited the office building, while my friend whispered “call center!”

Something even more mysterious than ‘the force’ exists between them /*the fag-gang*/. The fact that they have nothing in common except smoking doesn’t matter or maybe it’s all that matters. They’ll relate to SRK and roadside bidi smoking sweeper, at the same time. Its more than a conversation piece, they practically have a club. All Sanjay Gupta movies are hit and ‘No Smoking’ deserves no less than an Oscar. It’s surprising how many people from different backgrounds you’ll know if you fag, and the numbers keep going up. They share their misadventures of the ciggy kind, like how a guy rubbed his hand in his arm-pit to get rid of the stench /*yes, I know they are gifted*/.

Hookahs are a different story all together. Those who indulge will explain you in detail the entire process to conclude that it is like breathing chocolate/strawberry/godknowswhat flavored air. For an hour they’ll feel like the nizam of Hyderabad to top it all, a single hookah is shared between 3-5 guys /*which qualifies as group kissing*/. This stuff isn’t cheap either.

Consider this simple math/*the amount is much higher if it’s an expensive cigarette brand or the no of fags per day is more*/, let’s say that a guy smokes 4 cigarettes a day each of Rs. 2.50.

Meaning everyday he spends Rs.10 killing himself, a bit.

365 days in a year, that is Rs. 3650 up in smoke, literally! And that not even charity!

What if cricket became the next soccer/ football? We’d be seeing participation from all the continents /*if we’d stop being such sissies and let the penguins play!!*/

But what would really happen??? Really?

The Afghan batsmen would go KABOOM!!!! if the opposing team appealed or even looked at the umpire. When it’d be their turn to bowl, the fielders would hide below the ground and would only surface only in the event of a possible catch. How difficult would it be for the Chinese? Their foreign ministry would have to intervene in order to appeal, since their players wouldn’t be allowed to talk with outsiders. There would also be another problem; no one would be able to tell if the next batsman that came from the pavilion was not indeed the same person. Mexico wouldn’t participate because half of the team would try to run into the American pavilion. Finally if USA started playing, they’d think of themselves as the ones who redeemed cricket, they’d file patents for all the things done on the field, but then, actually they wouldn’t participate as they prefer a similar sport with much tighter clothing which involves sliding on the ground and touching each other with a ball.

Ahhhhh the possibilities are endless!

We finally visited school. Though there were only 8 of us, our teachers were delighted to see us after what seemed like ages. Happiness cannot be measured, but their faces gave a slight hint. They asked us what our plans were and what we’ve been doing. As we stood there silently for the national anthem, it seemed too familiar and too distant…….enough of that, being in a notorious batch has its advantages, one being teachers don’t tend to forget you easily. So they could atleast remember our last names, and that’s creditable.

Thanks to the internet and Orkut, most of us are in touch. Though a daily ‘hi’ is an impossibility, we are well informed about what everyone is upto. Surprisingly, our batch has engineers, doctors, veterinarians, chartered accountants, air hostesses, receptionists, chefs, animators, sailors, interpreters, dentists, businessmen and even bartenders who are tall , thin, stout, fat, skinny, muscular, baby faced, cute, chubby, filthy rich or just filthy, you name it and we’ve got it.

School life wasn’t cake walk, like my handwriting was always subject to blunt criticism. So what if my handwriting is ummmmm… hideous for some, it’s not like I didn’t try to improve. Well, WHO’S LAUGHING/ TYPING NOW?? Bullied. Admired. Mocked. All that before 15! Anyways, what’s done is done. There are many things that I still don’t understand doing, for example writing the pledge in 3 different languages for value education class or those remarks that decorated my calendar for not doing homework /* as they hardly mattered*/, but then i am glad that i did.

It’s the individuals I met in school that make school life so special. Many of the most interesting, beautiful, deceptive, funny, brilliant, whimsical people I know are from school. And even if someone wasn’t in your ‘group’ the same school connection supersedes everything. I am looking forward to having an ‘official’ school reunion in the coming years.

Laughing makes you tired and other people paranoid, so now I’ll stop laughing.

NB is just an average guy, and no matter what he thinks of himself he will still be an average guy. What’s most intriguing is the way he goes out of his way to unsuccessfully convince you that he’s something special.

Couple of days back I was coming home and I met NB (wishing he didn’t have something to brag about). So we were talking about general topics like college, exams, music (yawn). But as I was making an effort to talk to him, he kept scratching his arm; I figured since he doesn’t have a hand in his pants, everybody is a winner. So after about 5 minutes, he started folding his T-shirt sleeve and looking the other way so that I could get a clear view of his arm. I caught a glimpse of some abstract shape tattooed on his arm. And I had to ask, “Did u get a tattoo?” and I just made his day! He went on to explain how tattoos are cool, I takes lot of guts to get one meanwhile I was cursing myself ‘look what you’ve done’. I patiently kept nodding and he went on and on about best places to get tattoos. It was dummies guide to crap- ultimate edition. The tattoo was, err unique in its lame way. The tattoo was what I used to draw as a kid on my favorite wall and I also remember being scolded by my parents because according to them, “that’s not a drawing!!!” Who’s laughing now? And my subconscious answered “certainly not you!!” Frankly, two dragons humping as they barbecue with their fire breath would have been a better tattoo. Then I figured that the idea must have been beyond the artist’s comprehension.

I don’t have problems with people getting tattoos but going out of one’s way to show it totally negates the whole purpose of getting it. In fact I am relieved that he didn’t get one on the small of his back or his thigh, coz that would have been traumatic.

Vacations are a time to relax, it’s the god given time to pursue your hobbies, time to chill and take it easy. Not doing ANYTHING is ‘in’ during the vacation season. I never get bored in vacations, though I do wish if I was in a classroom counting how many times the professor said ‘Ok’ but I will never get ‘ nothing to do in vacations’ syndrome unlike most of the students.

For me there are lots of things to do in vacations like fidgeting with the computer, hanging out with friends, sketching, do crazy experiments in the kitchen /*and eating your creation off course*/ or even catching movies always wanted to see. Even a pen and paper provides atleast 2 hours of enthrallment. I have already almost a month enjoying the pleasures of vacation.

But some of my friends vacations pose an even greater challenge than college itself. The first few days are spent with your college pals coz during the beginning every one is enthusiastic and stuff, but then weeks pass by without a phone call then you start getting scraps asking you what you are up to. They don’t just camp in the living room in front of the TV set, complaining ‘pak raha hai’.

Anyways enjoy your vacations until they last.

Has anybody observed how all the fairy tales end with ‘… and they lived happily ever after’? Surprisingly this line (with all its cliché) does find its way into our normal lives. As a student, this line is thrown at as a last resort to make you do what you have to. Think of it as a ‘Bramaastra’. I distinctly remember my school math and science teachers convincing my peers (who were least interested in these subjects-> thereby taking arts, home science etc) with white lies like ‘it’s the last time you’ll encounter math and science so it’s best if you have pleasant memories about them.’
Through incessant lecturing about the seriousness of the board exam, teachers/ parents would often cite examples of students (distant cousins or neighborhood chaps) who scored and made it to their dream colleges. These role models would be projected on the other side, living the good life and like those TV marketing commercials they would end it with, “..all this only if you….” Back to square one. This would go on and on day after day, everyday. These exams bring out the best and worst in parents, just when you thought that your pops couldn’t hurt a fly, during your 10th and 12th he’ll be possessed by Hitler.
Some parents have a professional approach. ‘Do this and you will get that laptop you’ve been eyeing at Croma’.
No matter what you do, there will be a new challenge and another ‘happily ever after’ behind it. At times I wish they’d stop but then, what would be the teenager’s expression (who’s been working his ass off for an exam and doesn’t want to even look at books for sometime) when his parents say, “its not the end, there is graduation, post-graduation a good job…..!” .Parents and teachers are like that, and there is no greater joy than seeing satisfaction in their eyes after you achieve. We need to stop perusing our happily ever after, accept that there is no such thing and stop complaining.

I just couldn't resist and so i am posting this before time!

Had our BE farewell in college a couple of days back and to say the least, IT ROCKED!!! After coaxing out fees, fines, charges etc the college management finally decided to spare us all by not giving us a lousy send-off. Good food, so-so DJ and cut short speeches by the faculty ensured that the farewell was just perfect. It was the best way to say goodbye to engineering.

Having made tons of friends who are fellow Aishwarya Rai worshippers, tech fanatics and music loving geeks. It will be hard not to miss my friends and the engg timetable. But I know that I will get over it pretty soon, thanks to orkut and the internet, It’ll be easy to keep in touch with the gang and getting nostalgic will be even easier.

The best part about farewells is the chance of doing most embarrassing things and getting away with it, may be that’s why all of us danced with the most weird/funny/freaky dance moves EVER! I’ll have to admit that I am not the person who’ll hit the dance floor, but this time it was different. All the lights, deafening music and great company set the mood. Most unlikely people danced that night because we were celebrating the end of everyday college drudgery and the fact that in few days the spenders would become the earners which is a reason to celebrate in itself. After the music stopped, our pictures/*from different events*/ were displayed on the projector with ‘Alvida’ playing in the background and every one got emotional /* the organizers decided to end the event on a sad note*/.

It marks the end of late night assignment completion, vivas /* where mugging up didn’t help!!*/ and file submissions. It also means the end of open eyed siesta fests and not bunking lectures, but then you realize those were the things that brought you guys closer. Suddenly you realize what we've become ( theIT crowd in our case)- GOD HELP US ALL!!!!!

Atlast I’ve completed my graduation & it does feel like an achievement. My vacations are on, but I haven’t been able to put aside time for all the things that I had planned to do. Believe it or not I am feeling like a busy bee DURING my vacations!!!

So dear readers (I made a joke!), after I am back, I promise you will find new posts.

Heard Scarlett Johansson’s single ‘Falling down’… it proves that not everyone can pull a JLo. Old Hippies (high on grass) would definitely sound better. Scarlett Johansson hasn’t heard herself sing, how else could anyone committ such an atrocity? She’s pretty, good for her…and us too!

Feeling deeply exploited after watching the promos of Love Story 2050 with its cheesy music and cheesier choreography, I had a dream where, believe it or not, I traveled into the future. These are some of the things that I observed.

- Bobby darling is very popular /*that explains Priyanka Chopra’s hairdo!*/

- Genetic manipulation is legally allowed and widely practiced /*that explains why Harman Baweja looks like a cross between Hritik Roshan and Emraan Hashmi*/

- Half of the world’s been invaded by America for oil reserves, even Alaska wasn’t spared!

- With the ongoing oil crisis, the US army’s Hummers have been abandoned for mountain terrain bikes- with gears!

- GM, Chevrolet and Ford have abandoned automobile manufacturing and are making profits by using their SUVs as landfills.

- The HRD ministry implemented 97% quota for all admissions, more reservations will be introduced.

- Bangalore royal challengers suck! /*its been 42 years now*/

- SRK admits to being bi /* he’s half-way out of the closet */

- California legalized man and machine marriages/unions

- Madonna launched her 38th album titled ‘Undead’ /*can’t figure out why??! */

- Rakhi Sawant got rejected for remake of teletubbies, 6 TIMES!

- Mahesh Bhatt mass produces remakes OF HIS FILMS.

- Mumbai University still screws up futures.

- Yash Raj banner have finally stopped making films starring Uday Chopra.

- Ellen Degeneres stopped giving gifts; now she throws money at your face.

- Aishwarya Rai is as mesmerizing as she was 50 years ago.

There are times when you feel that you are invincible, strong, confident /*other flowery adjectives can also be inserted to describe the way you feel */ but then the guy upstairs makes his point by showing how fundamentally wrong you really are.

I had a similar experience recently which left me more embarrassed than a lesbian in a chip-n-dale club. I was on my way home listening to Flyleaf, Disturbed et al, content in my world that comprised of a seat, an almost empty bus, followed the overworked conductor occasionally asking/ saying/muttering ‘Ticket bola ticket’. Then this lady boarded the bus and sat on the seat ahead of me, the baby in her arms was quiet restless so she had him over her shoulder such that he was facing me. I just happened to notice someone staring at me and there was, the finger sucker blankly looking at me.

That’s when my crazy/weird/insecure alter ego came back to life from the undead. Let me tell you about this ‘Chad’ guy, as I like to call him, he's no good with babies. According to Chad babies are the cutest, but they are god’s answer to make grown ups do silly things /*coz I remember a very serious uncle meowing to his some month old grand daughter just to make her giggle as she kept looking at him in amazement thinking ‘WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY GRANDPA YOU FREAK!’ */ .He also thinks babies are complicated mainly because you don’t know what they are thinking, thats what makes them so unpredictable. Like when he was reading a story to his niece, when after 10 minutes he realized that he was the only one who found it interesting as she had already crawled and gone to her ‘dada’. For him people who can baby-talk are tougher than Dharmendrapaji catching bullets. Playing with babies is a lot like giving excuses for forgetting you girlfriend’s birthday, EVERYTIME you have to come-up with something new else you are a gonner.

Coming back to the ‘incident’ Chad gone bonkers and had already tried jumping out of the moving bus’s window. The bus stopped at the signal, he tried his best not to make eye-contact as he pretended to be engrossed in looking out the window thinking of the million places he could have been at. ‘Please! I’ve had enough, make the lady and her attention seeking baby go! I’ll never pick my nose in public again, I promise’ he mumbled as the bus groaned into motion. And to his astonishment, the lady stood up and made her way to the exit. Life was good again!!! I could feel Chad returning to the realms of my subconscious. Everything’s normal, for now.

What’s with this brouhaha regarding sex education? Sure there are many nutcases including many of the political leaders who believe that sex is ‘natural, something we come to know automatically.And animals don’t get sex education so why should we??’ /*like the hand of god will guide us all!!!!!!*/ WTF!!! Animals don’t have a complex social structure, misguiding media and to top it all- RAGING HARMONES =tons of possibilities to get in trouble!!! So what the hell are these people talking about???

For them HIV/AIDS, sex education, obscenity, remix videos, IPL cheerleaders gets mapped so a single cerebral lobe Some even believe that it will encourage teenagers to indulge in ‘it’, but sex education is primarily focused on answering ‘what’s what ‘and ‘what’s happening with you all’ kind of questions, it informs them of the additional responsibilities and consequences.

The anti-sex education camp also thinks that talks about birds and bees should be left to the members of the family, Ok! But most of the times the actual Norman cloture of the anatomy will be substituted by ‘that’, ‘it’ etc /*shivers down my spine*/ I can imagine the look they’ll have on their faces- even digging your nose and sticking the bogger back in will be less embarrassing.

The generation is different, they are more curious, more confused. If they hear,” Hum tum ek kamre mein bandh ho…”, they’ll probably ask ,”Usse kya hoga??”.

With the advent of the internet, few clicks are enough for Jenna Jameson to showcase her talents. Sex education is the need of the day, teenagers have a right to know what’s happening with their bodies and about PMS aka the mad cow disease. It’s the time they are becoming adults, atleast physiologically.

Let’s make a list of pros and cons of implementing sex education in schools

Pros:-

- Focus on personal hygiene.

- Better sexual health.

- More knowledge and a clearer outlook.

- Lesser amount of stress.

Cons

- Talking about ‘it’.

Sex Education needs to be inducted in the current syllabus considering it will be the only subject most closely connected with the real world!

So I call all the moral police /*which r many*/ like the BJP, Shratrughan Sinha/*who’s not jealous of Amitabh Bachchanan btw-hahahahahaa*/, the Bajrang Dal/*don’t have any idea regarding what other activism they indulge in*/ and dearest Mrs. Pratibha Naitthani/*who should keep herself more busy for everybody's sake*/ and all other puritans to start googling for inhibited places so they can form a new world order /*and bring back the dark ages*/. Sometimes we start believing that this world is perfect, but thanks to people mentioned above, we know we are wrong.

At a first glance he’s just a normal individual- simply boring. But he is just like everyone else, only less weird probably coz no one snorts as loud as him while laughing. He is on his way home, heading to the bus stop at Borivali station and suddenly he is caught unawares by this guy who’s selling what looks like an electric racquet.

Being abnormally patient he is, he listening to what the hawker has to say and show but in his mind he has already bought the contraption. He clutches it as he is thinking about the cheapest source of entertainment he’s bought himself, he just can’t help but smile while the overcrowded bus strains itself as it makes its way along its route.

Weeks have gone by. And almost everyone can hear the zapping from flat no.302. This is the place where the humble, docile looking guy is transformed into a monster by medieval standards. His alter ego takes over the moment he sees a mosquito, going for the electric swatter like a rajput going for his sword. Don’t know why but he feels happy when he sees the mosquitoes being burnt alive, 2000V being delivered through their bodies.

He’s definitely lost himself to the dark side; he can’t help the compulsion to ‘patrol’ his house in search of new prey……….

………..And somewhere far far away a conspiracy theorist is going through his work. He never trusted the government, ‘these swatters are illegal ‘he says to himself, as he reads a report about people becoming sadists after their obsession to see insects being zapped by the swatters took a whole new meaning.

Animal rights? ……eh??

India with its ever growing billions is probably the last place on earth for animal rights activism coz traveling in a local train is a possible human rights violation by global standards. But thanks to honorable Mrs. Maneka Gandhi, who opposes any government’s decision for dealing with stray dogs is what Peta and Animal rights has been reduced to.

When anyone is asked if they love animals, majority of the times “yes I love animals and I make it a point to feed strays whenever I can” is the reply. Enter 21^st century India, with its ‘instant’ lifestyle where an Instant good deed is the newest fad. They are practically everywhere, one stays in my building and generously gathers about 15 strays from the locality and feeds them every single day ( one may wonder why he is still single, now that’s a tough one)

Its just one of those days when u can think of million places where you can be, that day of the week, which in the history of most boring days is at the top of the list(as yet). The entire space surrounding you is supersaturated with boredom. The entire batch is dead ( atleast they wish they were) resembling the zombies from resident evil movies, even the teacher’s pets who appeared to be interested have thrown in the towel and stopped asking stupid questions.

There is an eerie silence in the room (except for the humming of the air conditioners who make it the best place to catch the zzzs) , which normally any professors would long for, broken by the professors occasional infuriating comment like, “It doesn’t require this much time” and everybody in the lab divert their blank gazes away from the computer screens, looking at the son of Satan (S.O.S) for the blasphemy. As even the he knows that nothing worthwhile can be acquired from the bunch at this time of the day. At his table he is secretly looking at the watch himself, wishing the hands could turn a bit faster. Its days like these that make him regret his decision of taking up lecturing as a profession.

Not knowing what to do and not having any interest to do anything brings us to this situation. Top it up with the professor who is delivering nothing but lullabies, despite of his apparent attempts to do his best. Forget talking during the practicals, even looking at your friends computer screen unleashes the wrath of the S.O.S accompanied with taunts like- “how did u ever get in BE?? This was already done in the lower semesters” and you just sit there, so desperate that you will even try jumping out of the lab window just to get the hell out. You are mindlessly exploring the network, not because you are searching something, but you can’t bear to do what he says anymore. You come across a folder titled ‘flash’, opening it is just a reflex. Suddenly you are happy.. You must be smiling; an entire folder of flash games seems like a sign. The guy upstairs is watching and can’t bear to see you like this. Time just flies away.

The bell rings, the entire batch has been given the kiss of life, its over.

Everyone is rushing for their bags. Wanting to escape from the torture chamber, everybody is in a hurry. Just as everyone is making their way out, he calmly says “we will continue next time” , there is nothing you can do, you just remember the computer you were at.

Yes, we all know that orkut is probably the biggest thing that happened to youngsters in India since… I don’t know….. porn!!!! But this craze has given rise to peculiar problem of its own. I don’t know why people are sooo excited and enthusiastic about adorning their profiles with freaky one liners like ‘U may rock, but I always rule!’ and ‘Friendship is my life’ (aaargh) may be it’s the realization of being totally inhibited and getting away with it.. what’s more annoying is that these people have a separate grammar and spellings, customized to suit their needs.

I genuinely have to sit back and think for a minute or two when some guy writes ‘Yo maan ,… wazzap??’, apart from the confusion of why that person is reenacting the newest Mortein commercial online and ‘is this the same guy I know from somewhere’ I try to be as normal as possible while replying to such scraps while the part of me is screaming to just cut the crap out!!!! What’s even more surprising is that the same guy would probably say “ I am a Cancerian’ when asked if he was a virgin.

The internet is like that, it is an arena for not being inhibited and showing off how ‘cool’ u really are, it’s a place where people brag about themselves or try to be the next Soparrkar . but the least those guys can do not listen to the voices in their head while typing and have mercy.

The political arena probably has a mouthful to chew-on, maybe because it’s the first time in history when a ‘insignificant’ political party has managed to gain nationwide attention. Such is the magnitude of the furore, that if you want to be beaten-up, just wear a MNS flag bearing shirt, and that will be it!

The commoner UPite was mercilessly thrashed, by a mob( lets not get into who they were , for a moment). The SP leaders are somewhat responsible for the cabbies’ plight but no one would have predicted that things would take a violent turn. The SP leaders did give some derogatory remarks hinting how they play politics in their homeland.

Raj Thakrey’s cause is not fiction, the localite of maharashtra does face a lot of hardship from the lobbyists when venturing into a ‘non-marathi’ sector. But targeting solely the UPites and the Biharis is wrong. The Marathi population in Mumbai has virtually downsized to 30%, its not playing with the statistics but a hard fact. The ‘Marathi manoos’ is finding it difficult to find a foothold and call the place his own. The Mumbaikar is being driven out of Mumbai. Say this and they will slap the same old clause from the Indian constitution about ’Freedom of movement’, but not on the expense of localites, that’s what the sub-clause states. Looking at the current scenario, the infrastructure etc that can be offered by the BMC for Mumbai is definitely insufficient, since everyday Mumbai is flooded with ‘outsiders’ (very inflammatory term, yet openly used) by the train-full. What is the NCP, Sena doing?? The point is a valid one, and its time the Marathi population forget that they are maharashtrians and stand together as one. Everyone is in a fix whether to grant support and be termed as spoilt sports who play dirty politics (but that’s what goes on during the election in other states- my caste vs yours scenario) or simply shoot down the entire issue as baseless. Some type of monitoring is necessary or else we better start finding a place for the Hutatma chowk part2.

The MNS did succeed in polarizing the entire population of Mumbai to the extent that people got down to counting the North-indian vs Marathi voter population. Many do suspect that the chain of events are meant to lay a foundation on which the portfolio will be built for the distant elections. MNS did get political mileage as now it is seen as a potent political party which CAN make a difference. It may be a stunt no one knows other than the man himself.

Has the feeling of being an Indian lost????

Is this is what the jawans at the border fighting for?

Maybe we ought to look above for answers.

Politics evolves, that’s what some people say. I started believing it too, especially after reading some of the events in the papers or the ‘merchants of death’ remark by some party during the Gujarat elections. The series of events, the debates that raged on weeks and the entire speculation was very … entertaining yet thought provoking to say the least.

Thought provoking because both the parties involved had something to say about the opponent’s statement. No one, not even the media bothered to highlight that everyone was just busy fighting over the remark (lets not get into whether it was made or not!!). The portfolio was literally thrown out of the window. Nobody wanted to know what work the candidates were going to do if they were elected.

Perhaps there was nothing to be offered! May be Gujarat is at the pinnacle of development and there is nothing the politicians can do to stop its progress! Or may be the state is lying in a abyss and they don’t know from where to begin! Whatever the case, the option chosen by the politicos is definitely admirable. Whoever thought of using ‘merchants of death’ as the keyword of the elections is a sheer genius! He must have gauged the situation, ‘since the public is already bored with the politicos promising blab la…, the only way to spice up the situation is using something the opposition said!’

Nonetheless, it was the feast for the news channels, people ought to be jumping with joy in their offices as they finally had something to chew on.

This is what politics had evolved into, Diversion tactics!

Remember the ‘bhoomi putra’ campaign that was started by the Shiv-sena some years back? What happened to that? Sure some guys were beaten-up and I even remember that when it was doing the rounds there were people/parties that suggesting amendments in the constitution! Or reservation for locals!

These topics are seasonal. It’s only a matter of time when some Bangladeshis get beaten this time!

If there was a manual that taught how to go about in politics; the following sentence would be written in bold in case there is an emergency

Just divert the public eye away from the grey areas to something made-up or of utmost importance, caution: plan may backfires!

The same old urban story…. couples go out to a New Year bash, party till late night, have a good time, head home after the party is over. But that’s not it!!

You know what I am talking about; if not then u r too happy in your own little world, so don’t bother!

The stories have been doing rounds of almost all the media available. On every channel the horrendous acts are repeatedly shown through the photographs taken by couple of reporters who were near by. Sure the photos do account for evidence, but the television channels should do more than blurring the faces of the victims and reporting the ire of the cops who refused to lodge a complaint because ‘the victims had to catch a flight back home’. I am not going to say, ‘oh how shameful!!’ or ‘mumbai is not what it used to be anymore!!’ coz I believe that we should already be past the mourning phase after infamous marine drive rape case. The news channels should stop restating the time, date, occasion and god know what trivial details of such cases. They should also stop bombarding their reporters (who fan out in all the directions possible to get a new ‘angle’ in the case) with questions like ‘jab ye ghatana hui tab aap udhar hi the. To kya aap bata sakte hai ki kya ho raha tha??)……they focus more on the act and the statistics rather than the course of action taken by the authorities. Simply interviewing the victim’s friends and asking them again and again ‘what happened?’ and ‘what do they feel?’ all this is victim centered. The victims deserve more secrecy and protection. So just flashing the graphic images of the barbarous act and just describing what happened to them after that is not enough.

They need to handle such cases very carefully; they ought to pressure the government that is certainly not very difficult, courtesy the nationwide coverage. Also public opinion is a sure shot way of getting things done from the government. Ask the people what needs to be done to curb such crimes, make a television guidebook, and showcase some defensive measures that could be taken.

Ask for public opinions I’d say, but they’d rather ask ‘who are you going to vote for in the nach baliye3 finals ???!!!’

Is any one listening?

Ps: everybody knows that I’ll be a matter of days till the steam runs out and news channels find something else.. .. but doesn’t everyone deserve a follow-up???